Purpose. Passion. Fear & Doubt.

I remember what it felt like when I decided I was going to massage school, the excitement of learning something new that would actually help people. It felt like I had a purpose. Instead of being an office manager like I was used to being I was going to be making a difference. I got up, went to class and learned how to help heal with my hands. 

My excitement grew after I left school and started my own private practice. I had people walk into my office and leave feeling better, making progress with every session. I made house calls and helped facilitate the healing of people that had excruciating pain. Huge strides of change happened right before my eyes. 

I had a purpose, it felt so good helping others. I’m a helper. When I can help someone a light goes off inside of me. I was great at rehabilitative massage. I knew it and so did my clients.  When you know you are great at something there comes a responsibility to stay humble about it and let it propel you forward and that’s what I did. I knew it was a gift that I had and I treated it as so. 

I continued minimal client work and downshifted to a shorter workload after I became a mom. My clients dropped and so did my income but I was putting motherhood first and that felt really great. I knew I was called to be a mom first in that season and so that’s what I did. Eventually I shut the door entirely and I walked away from my massage career. 

During my massage career I had incredible opportunities and I am incredibly grateful to have had them. I had opportunities to meet people and massage them that many people would faint at the thought of. (Most people can’t say they massaged Colbie Caillat at 8 months pregnant). I also helped people find hope in feeling better and living a normal life. Those things are things that I took lightly but they were something I decided was time to let go of to raise our daughter. 

I still think about the difference I made and I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss it. I miss the people and I miss the opportunities but I’m doing what I’m supposed to be right now. I knew the door to my massage career was shut but knew there was still a window for wellness and healing later. 

God knew my heart and my desire to have a career that made a different but let me be front and center at home. I felt a promise in my heart that there would be something at the right time but to be patient. 

I’m not always great a patience when it comes to me wanting to know what’s coming. So I began searching for a place to be needed. I’m a helper by default and I like to be needed, as good or bad as that is. So I helped manage a women’s networking community. I built a small business community. I started doing more small business assisting.  Any way that I could use my talents to start helping more and contribute some income. 

Those things all felt good for a little while but eventually became heavy. That happens when we are trying so hard to put ourselves in a place we think we should be instead of where we are actually supposed to be. I would add so many things to my plate, worry about all the wrong things, and even up feeling worse than I did without a “purpose”. 

So I stopped helping manage the women’s networking community. A couple years later I closed down that small business community. I also stopped taking on so many business clients and scaled back. In recent months I’ve even faced the reality that just because I am good at something and can do something doesn’t mean that I should. That was a tough one to face. 

After becoming a mom I really started focusing on natural health and healing for our family. Knowing I had a little tiny human that had the freshest start I wanted to make sure that I did my best to give her the best. I breastfed until she was almost three, we did vaccinations but not antibiotics, we used as many natural remedies as possible. We’ve done the same for our son. We want the best possible things for them. 

There was a curiosity I had about a lot of things, essential oils being one of them, so I dabbled a bit. Then I did a lot of learning and researching. I took things slow because good things take time and I wasn’t about to rush into anything. After all, I’ve tried a lot of things and I wasn’t about to jump into something new. 

Ryan sat at the table with me one night months ago and told me he wanted me to find whatever it was that made me feel like I was going to be happy doing. Motherhood and my blog – I had enough, I said – plus I had my business clients. He knew better though, he knew I was still searching for something that would make me tick again. 

He didn’t say it but I know that’s why he said what he did. I insisted I didn’t know what more I could want and at the time I didn’t but the truth was I was searching for something. Motherhood was enough, truly, it’s my greatest job – but I still felt something missing. So I filed it away and just tucked it in my heart that maybe I would find what that might be when the time was right. 

Then it happened, a pull to started to happen and I made every excuse I could. “But I can’t afford it” and then God would provide the amount I was needing. “Yeah, but I can’t afford to continue” and He would provide again. “Ryan probably won’t be on board” and then Ryan supported my choice with little argument. 

I wanted to offer a variety of wellness and natural solutions to accompany the essential oils. I was excited about it – the idea of helping others in a wellness aspect and if I made money at it – great. I told Ryan I wanted to start taking oils seriously, really dive into them and then create a platform that would help people better understand a variety of natural healing and health aspects.

I got cautiously excited but had a happiness in my heart that made me feel like this was bigger than me. This was an answer to what I was looking for. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing though.

Fear told me “sure, another business. People will give you the side eye. No one will take this seriously.” Fear made me think of a minute that was true. Just think about all the things I’ve done and tried but seemingly failed at or didn’t work out.

Doubt told me “you are’t qualified and don’t know enough about this.” Maybe doubt was right, I don’t have enough education, or experience. I never went back to school for that homeopathy degree. 

People I hoped would be really excited were less than enthusiastic about things or haven’t shown the support I hoped they might. 

It was like one spiritual attack after another since I was so sure that all of this made sense. Then one day  I stood there in my kitchen and quit over thinking and stood in the quiet. It all came to me like it was supposed to, everything made more sense. 

The rehabilitative massage and wellness research I did years of – led me here. My community building and networking – led me here.  My business assisting gained me so much and led me here. They weren’t losses, they were stepping stones.

I didn’t go back for that homeopathic degree – but I have so much first hand experience with a variety of things and have plenty to contribute. The people that didn’t show up like I thought they would don’t define the success of this. I’ll succeed with or without them. I also have a tribe of people supporting me more than I ever did expect and that counts for something.

God doesn’t break His promises, He doesn’t make mistakes. When I listen to the noise, I hear the wrong things but when I stand in the quiet, in His presence things become clearer. When something walks into our lives and it’s a light-bulb moment and your heart kind of goes “oh, there you are, I’ve been looking for you”, it’s not by accident. It fits like a glove without passions, my family being on the forefront, and so many other reasons. 

I’ve been taking this journey very slow, there’s no rush here and I believe good things take time. This has been a process. I pondered things for over a year, I’m taking my time and doing this right. The essential oil brand, the planning, the name. 

I don’t know if I’ll become a great executive leader in Young Living or not (although that would be quite nice) but that’s not why I started this journey. I don’t know if this will provide sustainable income, or if I will do huge things. I do know that the fact is that my hope is to provide a platform to make natural wellness and healing more approachable. The potential of growing a business is a bonus, but only through setting the right foundation.

So here I am, telling fear and doubt to stick it. Giving God all the praise and credit and just doing my thing. I started an instagram a few weeks ago and just started posting there Friday. We’re doing this thing. I’m using my gifts and seeing where it takes me.